Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
