If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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