I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
