I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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