I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
