I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
