I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
