My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
