do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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