After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
