I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
