4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
