so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
