I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
