Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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