the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
