I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
