I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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