Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
