She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
