She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
