i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
