okay pat passed out under dana's car
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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