I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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