yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
