Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
