He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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