Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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