My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
