im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
