What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
