It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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