dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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