fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
