I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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