dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
