I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
