For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
