Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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