Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
