Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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