I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
