i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
