it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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