you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
