Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
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There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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