When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
