I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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