i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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