just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
