Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
