I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
