you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
