rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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