:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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