I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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