Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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