Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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